I'm movin' on

Dear S,
2 months ago, you disclosed a shocking truth during our Bali trip. A truth you kept away from me for 2 years. I was hurt. I felt upset, disappointed and betrayed. That night I tossed and turned on my bed but just could not sleep. I had to endure the emotional pain you inflicted upon me. You wrecked my emotions. The person that I trusted the most was also the one that hurt me intensely. I thought of all the reasons to rationalise what happened but couldn’t find one. For 2 weeks, my mind was constantly fixated on this issue. I could not sleep well. I could not concentrate on my work. I did not enjoy myself at social events. I was basically going through the initial stages of the grief cycle – shock, denial and anger. A lot of things went through my mind. I had no one to talk to or turn to.

One fine day, I told myself “Enough is enough! It’s time to move on.” I kept myself occupied with lots of classes and projects. I called up friends whom I’ve not met for months. I resumed dragon boat training after a break of more than a year. I made some new friends. I gym 3 times a week. I cut my hair short. I transformed my wardrobe. I started reading those books which I bought and left on the shelf for years. After a month, I rediscovered myself. I became more aware of my inner self. I’ve been too caught up until hurt knocked on my door and brought me back to reality. I discovered that there are still plenty of wonderful people around me. What’s important is that I made a choice to move on and not wallow in self pity. This reminds me of a beautiful song from Rascal Flatt’s “I’m movin on”

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

We have not met for more than a month. That day you wanted to meet me for lunch. I was a little apprehensive. I did not know what to expect. But I decided to turn up. The lunch turned out to be a rather quiet affair. We became so formal and polite with each other until it developed into moments of uneasiness. I thought we were more like acquaintance than friends. The feeling was quite strange. I’m no longer angry or depressed. It appears that I’ve got over it. After lunch, you wanted me to join you for a game of mahjong. I took a rain check and chose to go to the library instead. I've become accustomed to this "new" me and enjoying it.

Maybe some day we’ll meet or maybe we won’t. But I’ve benefited from this. Hurt is a part of life, but we must learn how to take advantage of the hurt. My focus is not on the hurt, but what the hurt does for me. Look at hurt as something that if I respond to it incorrectly it will become a barrier on the road that I'm traveling on. All of us are traveling on a road that is leading to our destiny. But there are things that happened that try to get us out of our lane. Only what is destined for you can be achieved by remaining on your road. What we fail to realize is that so many things we never really appreciate until we experience the opposite reaction. We appreciate being up after we experienced being down.

For me, getting hurt can be seen as a good thing. Some day, I’m going to back upon this experience down the road, and be grateful for what it has taught me. It is all a matter of perspective and time.

Here’s the remaining part of the lyrics:

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived that I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Another one of my Rascal Flatt's favourites